Photo from Positive Psychology Programme.
I’ve been reading a bit about gossip and, surprisingly, I’ve found two opposing points of view.
According to one of them, gossip equals evil, and we should avoid it. Thus every time we indulge in gossip, we add bitterness and resentment to the narrative. I’ve been thinking that maybe that shapes or misdirects our way of thinking. I mean, you might not know all the details of the life of a person, but you get involved in those stories, which create a sort of caricature of a complex human being, focusing only on the morbid elements and their flaws. And, as we are made of stories, those images become ingrained in our subconscious. They are the references to paint a picture of that person in our mind, missing many of the soul's subtleties in the process.
As we all know, gossip occurs when the object of gossip is not present. I’ve even witnessed a scene where my friends backbit someone else who was three metres ahead of them! That’s really what we could call talking behind someone’s back! I had been living in another town, so at that moment, I don’t know if it’s because I had lost the essence of our interactions and if my vision had become more neutral as a consequence, but that gesture seemed quite cruel to me. Well, I also think that I can be here writing about what’s right or wrong, and then I also make the same mistakes that I’m condemning. Anyway, this happens to all of us. Couldn’t it be that we follow a kind of cycle? First we set the standards for what is right or wrong, then we err and are blamed for that, and finally we redeem ourselves, and the cycle is completed.
On one of these occasions when we were talking about someone who had left the place twenty minutes ago, some of us could feel there was something shady in the atmosphere. Well, it was nothing but my birthday party and, late at night, we were meddling in the most scabrous details of someone’s life, a life which was out of control. When you thought about it and because of the nature of the problem, you could not find any solution to help that person, therefore it was really frustrating. One of our friends stated that we shouldn’t be talking about that person in that way during a party. Some months later, when it was her own birthday, she didn’t invite one of my friends and me to join them. Actually, the relationship that she and her boyfriend had with us all started to fade. I think she was right when she complained about our attitude during the party: it was a bitter situation that should have been addressed privately, even if many details looked very juicy! The good news is that the couple are going out again with the group from time to time.
As with most aspects of life, I’d say that the most desirable thing is to try to achieve balance. In one of TED talks, Jeff Conway offers a useful idea: we can redirect gossip and praise the positive values of a person. I believe that would help to inspire the creation of the best version of others, as if we were a sort of Pygmalion.
Besides, there are so many other things to talk about! I can subscribe to the experience of feeling energized, cheerful and enriched when, with one friend, instead of gossiping, I talked about art, history, lifestyles, music and many other topics. Subsequently I realized that I needed to read and write more, because I didn’t know as much as I thought, and I wanted to explore all those fields in depth.
Apart from this, analysing the behaviour of others can also help our community to get better, as I have learned on the website "Psychology Today". It helps us to socialize, to become aware of the moral principles of our group, to perfect our own attitude, and to welcome newbies. The heart of the matter is how to do it without hurting others’ feelings significantly. In my opinion and according to the sources I’ve consulted, there are several ways to do this:
- Trying to get as much information as possible, since lack of information leads to speculation, and speculation leads to gossip.
- Asking lots of questions to different people before asserting something. We need to have different versions of the story. Clearly, a one-sided narrative takes us to a dead-end street.
- We should wonder if we are trying to find solutions or if we are just wallowing in the dirt. It's obvious which conduct should be encouraged.
- Talking with each person involved in the problem individually, in the most neutral and non-judgemental way, and then reaching our own conclusions sounds like a healthier strategy than exposing someone’s misfortunes before a large group.
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